Even in my dream, I knew it was a dream. No cellphones. No sales people. No Sonia Gandhi. I snuggled into my dream.
The telephone exploded. I fell out of bed and grabbed it.
"Hello," I croaked groggily.
"Good afternoon ma'am. I'm Raju from _____. As you're our valued customer, we're offering you a free SIM card..."
"Dear Raju from wherever you are..." I whispered half asleep and then fell into bed and right back into Dreamland. Karnataka had a government. Everyone understood Mamata Banerjee when she spoke. Britney Spears had finally grown up. Newspapers ignored Paris Hilton, Tom-Kat, and the Beckingham Palace. People admitted all they did in Davos was have fun. George Bush was hiding...the phone screamed again.
"Good afternoon ma'am. Are you Aparna Muralidhar?"
"Who wants to know?" I yawned.
"Ma'am, Aparna Muralidhar has won a trip for 2 to Malaysia in a raffle."
"What raffle?"
"Are you Aparna Muralidhar?"
"I am now."
"Congratulations Ma'am! You've won a trip to Malaysia!" he squealed.
"Okay okay, no need to get excited," I said irritably. "How did I win?"
"Are you married?"
"Not that I'm aware of..."
"You visited the exhibition at ______ with your husband where you filled in..."
"Shoot! I missed my own wedding," I muttered.
"...a form for a lucky dip on the 6th of this month at 10 a.m..." he prattled.
"I did not. I was at work."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm not sure. I suffer from Alzheimer's. I'm never sure of anything. When can I go to Malaysia?"
"Err..uh...ma'am are you Aparna Muralidhar?"
"I'm not sure," I said distractedly, "look what you've done... you've confused me," I said and hung up.
I curled up under the covers once more. Reader's Digest was a great magazine again. Music was not recycled. Paper was. I was 18. Deccan Air stayed in the air. State buses crunched only gravel. Everyone had a last name. The BJP was young and was now called Batty Jatty Patty. The phone was ringing....THE PHONE WAS RINGING.
I groaned and snatched it from its cradle.
"Hello?"
"Good afternoon, ma'am. I'm Amit from ______ bank. We're offering you a personal loan..."
"Great!" I yelled into the phone. "I need a loan right now . I have Alzheimer's and I'm going to Malaysia with a husband I didn't know I had," I tried to sound as hysterical as possible.
"Hello!?!" he said perplexed.
"You can call Raju and check..." I yelled. Amit hung up.
I went back to bed.
I'd barely tucked myself in when the phone shrieked.
"Hello?"
"I'm calling from ____ insurance. We have a wonderful package..."
"Great! I'm going to Malaysia so I need travel insurance. Can you give me your number? I'll call you back."
He gave me his office number, his mobile number, and his home landline. Bingo and big mistake.
I took the phone off the hook and slept till 12 a.m. I woke up at 12 a.m., dug out Mr. Insurance's home landline and dialled.
"Who is it?" demanded an alarmed voice.
"I just wanted to say I'm not going to Malyasia and I don't want insurance," I said sweetly and hung up.
18 comments:
WHOA WHOA WHOA, Absolutelty side-splitting Aparna. Pheww!!! you had me in splits the whole time. What a great way to start work---with a great laugh and smiles following, THank you. How true, "the telephone exploded" my thoughts exactly on several occasions. I just love the repartee. Also, "Beckingham palace" is a scream. The part in italics (is it a soliloquy) is great. Thank you, for a marvellous way to go one up on these obnoxious callers.
Thank you conundrumster! "beckingham palace" is not my creation -credit to British media! I just borrowed it....glad you enjoyed it! How come I can't open your site?
Very well written....as always!!
Thank you very much, anonymous! :-)
Hey, cool boog u've got here. Great writing! Stumbled onto here from sumwhr.
*blog ;-)
Thank you very much for visiting and commenting! Do come back! Best, Aparna
Missed your satire sp much that I ave come looking for you here.
Hi Shobana! It's wonderful to see you here! (what's with the minus-h version of your name?) I've been crazily busy - I promise I'll write to you on the email. My regards to Sundar; as you can see, I haven't been very active here either (though definitely more than in sulekha). Bye for now. Best, Aparna
hey aparna.... its really funny... i enjoyed reading it.. Suma my email id is suma92@yahoo.com
Hiya Aparna.... im sure u r surprised how i read ur blog ..... suma told me bout it and i got the address from her.... Must say ur article was soo well written it had me in splits of laugher....... tooo good
srividhyanaidu@gmail.com
Suma/Srividhya
Thank you very much for visiting and commenting! My comp has been down a month, so I haven't been prompt in replying or blogging! Please visit again.
Best,
Aparna
Hey Aparna, I rly enjoy going thru ur blogspot always! Makes my mind fresh and mostly am rolling on the floor with laughter! Keep it going!!!
Kavya - it's great to hear from you! I'm so glad you enjoyed it -thank you very much for visiting and commenting.
Best,
Aparna
hey aps, great one. had a good laugh. really enjoyed it...
Great to see you here, Sri! Glad you liked it :-) Hope you've been well. Best, Aparna
LoLzzzz. Honestly, I wasted a lot of time reading about them when I was young. I am glad that "Britney Spears had finally grown up. Newspapers ignored Paris Hilton, Tom-Kat" This really can't get better. Loved the blog.
So pleasantly surprised to see you here! Thank you my dear :-)
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