I was bored. I looked at the clock - "1 more hour to go!!!" it screamed. I twiddled my thumbs idly, and for some inexplicable reason thought of Keanu Reeves. His immortal line from Speed jumped at me out of the blue and suddenly I had - what my 4-year-old nephew calls - "a great idea!"
I sent a message on the chat to our front desk - "There's a bomb on the bus" - I sat on my hands and waited - 5 minutes passed, nothing happened; 10 minutes, still nothing; 15 ...nada; I crept down the stairs slowly and peeked at the front desk. The receptionist was on the phone. I hid from view and watched. She hung up and turned to her monitor. She frowned, she rubbed her eyes, she looked around, she frowned harder...then, she shrugged and went back to her work.
I charged - "Didn't you get my message!?!?" I asked incredulously.
"Oh...you sent that..?" she asked unruffled.
"Yes!" I almost screamed and waited expectantly...she continued working. "There's a bomb on the bus!!!!" I gesticulated wildly.
"What bus?" she asked looking up and leaning back in her chair.
"How should I know!?!?!?" my eyes were huge and incredulous with disbelief.
She shrugged again and gave me a 'where-did-you-escape-from?' look and went back to work.
"Aren't you going to do something !?!?!" my voice rose to a shrill pitch.
"What do you want me to do?" she asked without looking up.
"Well...how about looking up at me for a start!!!! Aren't you worried? People are going to die!!!"
"People die all the time..." she said. I couldn't dispute THAT.
"Do something!!!" I commanded.
"Well....I can sing pretty well..." she offered sarcastically.
"Send everyone to the lunchroom!!!" I suggested ignoring her last remark.
"Why? Because there's a bomb on a bus somewhere in the city?" she asked
"What bus?!?!?" I yelled.
"How should I know?" she shot back..."You're the one that sent the message."
"Is that what I said!?!? No, no, I meant there's a bomb in this building!!!!" I was hysterical.
"Oh..?" she said.
'Oh' what!?!?! ...evacuate everyone then...send a message and ask everyone to go to the lunchroom. NOW!!!" I barked.
"Go to the lunchroom" she said yawning
"Just me!?! What will I do there all by myself!?!? Tell EVERYONE!!"
"I can assure you no one will want to go to the lunchroom now" she said.
"Tell them what I told you!!" I was talking very loudly.
"That there's a bomb on the bus?" she asked.
"No, no, that there's a bomb in the lunchroom! Then, everybody WILL go!!!" I screamed.
She looked at her watch and got up. "Look, you'll miss your van, and I'll miss mine...why don't you go home and take your tablets and get some sleep?" she was already on her way out.
"Oh...ah...yes, my van..." I mumbled and followed her tamely.
As I passed the security officer's cabin, I saw him glued to the TV. I peered in - Maria Sharapova was on center court in her night clothes under the blazing Aussie sun.
"It's hot there, isn't it!" I remarked.
"You bet" the security officer grinned.
"Psst..." I said, gesturing for him to come closer. He leaned out.
"There's a bomb on center court" I whispered.
"I know" he said....and winked.
Thursday, January 19, 2006
Excuse Me, Come Again...?
Look, I'm actually here to confess: My hearing's not so good anymore, and I sometimes hear and type pretty weird things in the my reports. I'm not getting any younger and with all my preoccupations, my thoughts sometimes influence what I hear. Is that a sin ? Like this other day, the day they took my snap for the ID (you know, those passport photos where they manage to make you look nothing like yourself ? I can actually use mine to scare off potential muggers) - I was wondering if I should've smiled into the camera to improve my face value and so when the doctor dictated "the patient has mild CVA tenderness," I heard and typed "the patient smiled CVA tenderness." Ok, I admit that's a bad one, but the proofer marked me a weighted comprehension for it! I was SO hurt and humiliated.
But that's nothing compared to the trauma my friend went through. Now, you judge this one for yourself: The doctor apparently said "The patient is a resident of Texas. Mental Illnesses: None ." which my friend heard and typed as "The patient is a resident of Texas Mental Illness Home ." Big deal ! I mean, doesn't that amount to almost the same thing ? (If you answered No to that, how do you account for George Dubya Bush who was born with his own punchline "I'm living proof God has a sense of humor"? Where did you think Dubya was from?) The proofer charged the MT a weighted comprehension for this one ! My friend was enraged. I was outraged. You only charge a weighted comprehension when what is typed changes the intended meaning of what the doctor said..... which this clearly doesn't do .
Do you agree with me that living in Bangalore is expensive? (for that matter, dying in Bangalore is even more expensive, but let's not get morbid here, ok?) and that if you have to tank up four times a month, you have to rob a bank on your way to the bunk? (don't worry, this is leading somewhere). Now can you, with a clear conscience, blame me if I get reealllly excited when I hear the phrase "free of cost" ANYWHERE? Even if it's in a medical report where it has no business to be? This is what I heard: "Use the nebulizer and albuterol with lidocaine free of cost ." I was mighty thrilled ! I felt like jumping up and down and screaming "I want that disease, I want that disease !" Imagine, getting free medicines ! I suppressed my juvenile delinquent tendencies and simply typed exactly what I'd heard: "Use the nebulizer and albuterol with lidocaine free of cost ." The proofer wasn't impressed. And what did I get? Surprise, surprise - a weighted comprehension! Turns out the doctor was saying "Use the nebulizer and albuterol with lidocaine for your cough ." How boring. And you can keep your cough, thank you very much. Who wants a stupid cough, anyway?
Tell me one thing. If doctors want quality reports, shouldn't they be giving us quality dictations? From experience, I can tell you dictating doctors generally fall into three categories: The ones that have marbles in their mouths, the ones that have frogs in their throats, and the ones that have ants in their pants. Dr. Marbles-in-Mouth was flying at supersonic speed through his lab values: "chloride103 comebackside23 BUN12..." I was asleep at the wheel, so to speak, and this one really woke me up. I took my foot off the gas pedal and reversed: "chloride 103, come backside 23 , BUN 12..." carbon dioxide! you lovable gas! you almost got me into serious trouble (but I caught this one, I didn't type it. Obviously it's easy to catch a vapour that you can't see, taste, touch, or smell).
In all fairness though, some doctors are crystal clear in both thought and speech. Like this one who said, "Would you please send a copy to Dr. Hemmingway? That's JENNIFER Hemmingway, not Ernest...Ernest is dead." And he even spelt dead: " D-E-D , dead" he said. How sweet of him. Don't you wish his tribe increases ? It would make life so much easier for us.
Anyway, there's a lesson in all this for you. Three lessons actually: One, if you're suffering from Alzheimer's dementia, just do yourself and everybody else a favor and go lie down quietly somewhere in a straitjacket, ok ? Don't come here and type medical reports. Two, proofers don't, and I repeat, proofers do not have a sense of humour. So quit making jokes. Three, please go watch Cartoon Network; it's a lot closer to our lives than you think.
Now, I'm going to sign off a la Bugs Bunny. Open quotes that's all folks exclamation mark close quotes. And oh, just one thing more before I go...you know, how everybody says 'Watch this Space'? Well, don't watch this one because I'm not coming back. I'm going to lie down in that straitjacket....quietly.
But that's nothing compared to the trauma my friend went through. Now, you judge this one for yourself: The doctor apparently said "The patient is a resident of Texas. Mental Illnesses: None ." which my friend heard and typed as "The patient is a resident of Texas Mental Illness Home ." Big deal ! I mean, doesn't that amount to almost the same thing ? (If you answered No to that, how do you account for George Dubya Bush who was born with his own punchline "I'm living proof God has a sense of humor"? Where did you think Dubya was from?) The proofer charged the MT a weighted comprehension for this one ! My friend was enraged. I was outraged. You only charge a weighted comprehension when what is typed changes the intended meaning of what the doctor said..... which this clearly doesn't do .
Do you agree with me that living in Bangalore is expensive? (for that matter, dying in Bangalore is even more expensive, but let's not get morbid here, ok?) and that if you have to tank up four times a month, you have to rob a bank on your way to the bunk? (don't worry, this is leading somewhere). Now can you, with a clear conscience, blame me if I get reealllly excited when I hear the phrase "free of cost" ANYWHERE? Even if it's in a medical report where it has no business to be? This is what I heard: "Use the nebulizer and albuterol with lidocaine free of cost ." I was mighty thrilled ! I felt like jumping up and down and screaming "I want that disease, I want that disease !" Imagine, getting free medicines ! I suppressed my juvenile delinquent tendencies and simply typed exactly what I'd heard: "Use the nebulizer and albuterol with lidocaine free of cost ." The proofer wasn't impressed. And what did I get? Surprise, surprise - a weighted comprehension! Turns out the doctor was saying "Use the nebulizer and albuterol with lidocaine for your cough ." How boring. And you can keep your cough, thank you very much. Who wants a stupid cough, anyway?
Tell me one thing. If doctors want quality reports, shouldn't they be giving us quality dictations? From experience, I can tell you dictating doctors generally fall into three categories: The ones that have marbles in their mouths, the ones that have frogs in their throats, and the ones that have ants in their pants. Dr. Marbles-in-Mouth was flying at supersonic speed through his lab values: "chloride103 comebackside23 BUN12..." I was asleep at the wheel, so to speak, and this one really woke me up. I took my foot off the gas pedal and reversed: "chloride 103, come backside 23 , BUN 12..." carbon dioxide! you lovable gas! you almost got me into serious trouble (but I caught this one, I didn't type it. Obviously it's easy to catch a vapour that you can't see, taste, touch, or smell).
In all fairness though, some doctors are crystal clear in both thought and speech. Like this one who said, "Would you please send a copy to Dr. Hemmingway? That's JENNIFER Hemmingway, not Ernest...Ernest is dead." And he even spelt dead: " D-E-D , dead" he said. How sweet of him. Don't you wish his tribe increases ? It would make life so much easier for us.
Anyway, there's a lesson in all this for you. Three lessons actually: One, if you're suffering from Alzheimer's dementia, just do yourself and everybody else a favor and go lie down quietly somewhere in a straitjacket, ok ? Don't come here and type medical reports. Two, proofers don't, and I repeat, proofers do not have a sense of humour. So quit making jokes. Three, please go watch Cartoon Network; it's a lot closer to our lives than you think.
Now, I'm going to sign off a la Bugs Bunny. Open quotes that's all folks exclamation mark close quotes. And oh, just one thing more before I go...you know, how everybody says 'Watch this Space'? Well, don't watch this one because I'm not coming back. I'm going to lie down in that straitjacket....quietly.
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