"For customer service, press 1.
For your bank statement, press 2.
For your account balance, press 3.
For money transfer, press 4.
Or wait for operator's assistance"
I waited.
"Sasha, Customer Service Executive. May I help you?"
"Hello?" I said cautiously.
"Hello."
"Hello?" I said again.
"Hello!"
"Hello?" I said a third time.
"Yes! Hello! What can I do for you?"
I exhaled. Satisfied I was talking to a live human being, I said, "My name is Aparna Muralidhar..."
"Yes Sir?"
I winced. "I want "stop payment" issued..."
"One moment, Sir" she said and put me on Mozart.
I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes. A cheery image flashed across my mind's eye. I was skipping happily and singing "Joy to the World" in a brightly lit hall while I twisted Sasha's arm behind her back and held her head under water. I shook my head and the image passed. Mozart was interrupted.
"Raja, Customer Care Executive. May I help you?"
"Yes. My name is Aparna Muralidhar. I want stop payment..."
"Your account number Sir?"
"MISS!! M-I-S-S, MISS!!" I hissed.
"Sorry, there's no such number. Thank you for calling customer care. Have a good day Sir," he hung up.
I hung up calmly and dunked my head in the bucket of cold water that I always keep beside me when I call the bank. I wrapped a towel around my head, counted to 10, and dialled again.
"For customer service, press 1.
For your bank statement, press 2.
For your account balance, press 3.
For money transfer, press 4.
Or wait for operator's assistance"
I waited.
"Sasha, Customer Service Executive. May I help you?"
"Yes, I had called just now regarding stop payment..."
"One moment, Sir. I'll transfer your call..." Mozart.
"Raja, Customer Care Executive. May I help you?"
"Yes. My name is Aparna Muralidhar. My account number is..." I recited the 10-digit number. "I've issued a cheque that I want..."
"One moment Sir...yes, I have your account."
'Congratulations you twerp,' I thought. "As I was saying..."
"What is your birth date Sir?"
"8/5/1972 Madam" I sneered.
"And how old are you Sir?" He was apparently happy to belong to either gender.
"872 years Madam."
"One moment Mrs. Muralidhar...."
"MISS, MISS, MISS!!!! What are you? DEAF!?!?" I shrieked.
"Sorry Ms. Muralidhar. What can I do for you Sir?"
"I want to issue stop payment on a cheque," I said wearily.
"You'll have to speak to my colleague. I'll transfer the call, Sir..." Mozart.
"Keerti, Customer Relations Officer. Can I help you?"
"I hope so. Look, I've narrated this story thrice already. I just want a cheque to be stopped from being encashed..."
"Your account number Ma'am?"
I gave her the number.
"Cheque number, Ma'am?" At last we were getting somewhere.
"Sorry Ma'am, it's just been debited from your account a minute ago. Thank you for calling Customer Service Ma'am. Have a nice day."
You bet.
I counted to 10 and called the bank again. I was determined to have a nice day. When Sasha came on line, I said, "There's a bomb strapped to your chair, you twit. If you so much as breathe, they'll have to scrape you off the walls."
"One moment Sir," she said and put me on Mozart.
