Goodafternoonmadam, myselfxxfromyyproducts thisisapromotion justoneminuteopenthedoormadam" - the apparition rapped outside my door.
"Huh?" I blinked as the afternoon sun blinded me and I tried to find my bearings. The doorbell had shattered my siesta and I'd sprung out of bed and landed at the front door, unaware that I'd moved. I tried to focus.
"Justoneminuteopenthedoormadam" he danced to an imaginary beat. I looked at him incredulously. He had a grinning mask on, which he had now pushed up on his forehead to give me the real all 32 whites. There were two macabre grins on his face. On his head, he wore something that looked like rabbit ears and flapped violently when he spoke. He was dressed in colours to help you spot him from outer space, and he had a yo-yo in one hand that squealed, a puppet that quacked in the other, and a huge bag on his shoulder that undoubtedly contained other such noisy nightmares that pass for toys today.
"What do you want?" I asked unable to keep the edge out of my voice. Try keeping your cool when you discover you've been woken up by a dancing monster rabbit from hell at 3 in the afternoon.
"Justoneminuteopenthedoormadaaam," he said again.
"What language are you talking?" I asked genuinely surprised. For a ludicrous moment, I wondered if he'd really landed from Mars.
"Harharharhar" it laughed and I reeled backwards. Surely, this was just a bad dream.
"Just one minute open the door madam," he said slowly with an ear-to-ear grin like he was addressing a 2-year-old retard. "I have wonderful imported toys, cheap madam, great fun for whole family, not just for childrens, nicetimepassopenthedoormadam."
"I don't want any toys!" I said unable to believe I was having a conversation with a Martian. "Don't buy madam, just see," he said, grin in place, and began to set his bag down.
"No!" I screamed in a panic. "I don't want to see any toys! Why would I want to see toys?"
"Buy for your children madam, see madam this talking parrot here; you put the battery here, wind it here and see madam, see, see....it's imported madam" he danced and grinned.
I twisted my neck from a range of 20 to 360-degree angles to see from which direction it would look like a parrot and finally gave up. The contraption was talking in an unknown tongue at an ear-splitting decibel. I covered my ears instinctively and nodded my head violently to indicate to him that he should leave and take his foreign monster with him. He put away the parrot and took out a kangaroo.
"How about this madam? Jumps very nicely, just do like this, like this, like this, like this, like this, like this...er...uh...it's not working, Iwillshowyouothertoys oneminuteifyouopenthedoormadam" the grin never faded.
"There are no children in this house and I don't really play with toys, so please leave, and close the gate behind you," I said and turned to walk in.
"Just you open the door and see what other things I have madam. I have books also, just see, you don't have to buy" Didn't his face tire grinning like that?
"I really don't have the time and I must ask you to leave," I said trying hard not to abuse him.
"What about mobile phones madam? Do you want a mobile?" Grin, grin.
"NO!" I said, exasperated.
"Life insurance?" Grin, dance.
"LIFE insur..uh?" I couldn't make the switch.
"What about flats?" Grin, grin, dance dance.
"Do you have that in your bag as well?" my eyes were wide with astonishment.
"Or an electric oven? Or do you want car covers? Do you have a garden? (he was standing in my 2-foot space) Do you want an apple tree sapling? Money-back guarantee is there...mattresses? Sofa backs? Nightdress? Grin, grin, grin, dance, dance, dance.
I honestly couldn't understand what I was feeling at that point. I was being verbally assaulted by a wiry schizophrenic with two grins who was carrying the world and a zoo in his bag and wouldn't get out of my compound. I'd never felt more alone in my life.
I looked around wildly.
"Okay give me a glass of water then" he said suddenly and stepped closer to the door. I was sure I could detect a manic glint in his eye and I shuddered.
"If you don't give me a glass of water, you'll be born a lizard in your next birth. Do you want me to read your palm? I can predict the future. Just tell me the time you were born and I will tell you everything that is going to happen in your life. I can show you the lizard that you will look like in your next birth. It's right here in my bag," he began to dig into his humongous sack, never losing the grin.
"Can you really predict the future?" I croaked.
"Yes," he said in a steely voice and with the manic glint and of course the grin.
"Tell me how long you see yourself standing on my property then," I squeaked.
"I have Eric Clapton's and B.B. King's Riding with the King - you want? you can listen on iPod and decide if you want to buy - here, openthedoormadam and take this iPod -you can load 320 songs, listen while driving, eating, sleeping, reading, bathing, dressing, anywhere and everywhere," the energetic schizophrenic continued to rap and grin.
I felt lightheaded, nauseous, and close to hysteria.
"Givemeaglassofwatermadam, and I'll go," he danced, grinning.
"I'd rather be a lizard!" I growled, suddenly livid. "Get off my property or I'll set the dogs on you!" I screamed.
"Have a good day madam," he said, his ears flapping violently, both grins intact on his face, and turned to leave.
That's when I saw the huge tiger tail behind him.
