This is a DIY manual on how to ruin a perfect Sunday evening.
1. Sneak up to your comatose spouse and announce in your best "bright idea" voice..."LET'S GO SHHOPPPIIINNNGGG!!!!"
2. Pick a mall that you're sure the world and its mother will be at.
3. Wailing ambulance behind you.
4. Slow down and pull over to let it pass.
5. Wonder why he's chasing you and not passing you.
6. Check rearview mirror. No ambulance. Your sleeping angel has woken up in the backseat.
7. Yell at spouse.
8. Get yelled back at.
9. Drive into mall parking lot and join 2658 cars in front of you.
10. Pick a store in the mall that's offering 50% off on everything from pin to plane to lost babies whose parents forgot to pick them up after last week's shopping.
11. Pick your weapon of mass destruction - your shopping cart.
12. Go berserk filling it. Look for sales people to assist you.
13. Excitedly share with spouse your discovery of anti-male/female pattern balding lotion.
14. ....while spouse quietly hemorrhages visualizing hair growing everywhere except on your head.
15. Lean over and breathe into spouse's ear: "It's okay, honey. I'll still love you when you look like a bear."
16. Notice you can't tell difference between mannequins and sales people.
17. Sneak up to a figure and cough suddenly; figure doesn't flinch. Phew! Mannequin.
18. Sidle up to another mannequin and pinch it. Shoot! Mannequin jumps and yelps - NOT mannequin.
19. Apologise and ask where the cereal section is.
20. Apologise again - NOT mannequin, NOT sales person.
21. Resume hunt for sales person.
22. Spot zombie with badge and approach.
23. Scratch head as zombie refuses to open mouth and points vaguely in a northwesterly direction.
24. Head for billing.
25. Pick line where guy in front of you has billed 10,000 bucks...
26. ....and is paying for it in coupons...
27. .....in denominations of 10s and 20s...
28. ....and he's reached 6000 and lost count and has started over....
29. .....for the 5th time.
30. Oh Shoot! Where's your baby?
31. Panic.
32. Tear around the store like your neighbour's Rottweiler is on your tail.
33. Pray you've lost your spouse as well.
34. Crash into shopping carts and body parts.
35. Find wailing baby in "50% off on Cereals!" section...
36. ....barcoded and price tagged.
37. Grab baby and head back to billing...
39. .....that now has 1629 people in front of you.
If you're a man, you get off here. Congratulations!! Your Sunday is now well and truly ruined. But what the hell...pop a beer can and tune into ESPN. WWF will seem like a picnic compared to what you've been through.
If you're a woman, read on. There's a lot of evening left to be ruined yet, so bring it on, baby!
40. Slam things around in your kitchen.
41. Yell at your maid.
42. Threaten your baby.
43. Burn the dinner.
44. If your spouse asks you what's wrong, say "nothing" and make it sound like a swear word.
Congratulations!!! NOW, your Sunday and your spouse's Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are ruined!
And he hasn't even seen your shopping bill yet!
