It's official - thanks to TIME - the legacy of decade 2000 is reinvention of communication. Around the globe, people are "collecting" people, and how! You'd think homo sapiens is now an endangered species. In chatrooms, on cell phones and Blackberrys, on mailing lists and networking sites, people are talking to anyone who cares to listen, like never before. Celebrities are leading the yakking brigade. A plush sofa and a dolled-up talk show host are invitation enough for people to spill their guts on national and international television (the tissue industry has never had it so good).
India was rated the most garrulous nation in a recent poll. From decades of state-sponsored thought control to no-thought no-control, we've come a long way, baby. There are now 10,000 ways to connect to your neighbour who you can reach across and tap on the shoulder, but that's passe. Cell phones have unrecognizably altered the way people interact with one another. Privacy is now a bathroom break. It's perfectly acceptable for 6 people to sit at a table constantly texting or talking on their phones - to everyone except the people they're sitting with. It raises decibel levels but not eyebrows. You cannot sit in a restaurant or in a theater or even stroll down a street without overhearing some unwanted detail of a stranger's life. Run but you can't hide. (I even get calls from songs).
YouTube - where you can get your 15 minutes of fame in less than 15 seconds - is our passport to global citizenship. Simply monkeying around with a handycam will guarantee you eyeballs, a fan club, and instant stardom. If that's not enough, you can minute your life in hair-splitting detail (and atrocious spelling) on the worldwide web - and then supplement it with pictures. Because it's insanely easy to be seen and heard, nothing needs to be left unsaid or unseen anymore. And as Voltaire said, anything too stupid to be said, can be sung. And taped. And broadcast. Live! Bling is king. Silly season is here to stay. Everyone's invited.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Sunday, July 18, 2010
I Pinched a Mannequin
This is a DIY manual on how to ruin a perfect Sunday evening.
1. Sneak up to your comatose spouse and announce in your best "bright idea" voice..."LET'S GO SHHOPPPIIINNNGGG!!!!"
2. Pick a mall that you're sure the world and its mother will be at.
3. Wailing ambulance behind you.
4. Slow down and pull over to let it pass.
5. Wonder why he's chasing you and not passing you.
6. Check rearview mirror. No ambulance. Your sleeping angel has woken up in the backseat.
7. Yell at spouse.
8. Get yelled back at.
9. Drive into mall parking lot and join 2658 cars in front of you.
10. Pick a store in the mall that's offering 50% off on everything from pin to plane to lost babies whose parents forgot to pick them up after last week's shopping.
11. Pick your weapon of mass destruction - your shopping cart.
12. Go berserk filling it. Look for sales people to assist you.
13. Excitedly share with spouse your discovery of anti-male/female pattern balding lotion.
14. ....while spouse quietly hemorrhages visualizing hair growing everywhere except on your head.
15. Lean over and breathe into spouse's ear: "It's okay, honey. I'll still love you when you look like a bear."
16. Notice you can't tell difference between mannequins and sales people.
17. Sneak up to a figure and cough suddenly; figure doesn't flinch. Phew! Mannequin.
18. Sidle up to another mannequin and pinch it. Shoot! Mannequin jumps and yelps - NOT mannequin.
19. Apologise and ask where the cereal section is.
20. Apologise again - NOT mannequin, NOT sales person.
21. Resume hunt for sales person.
22. Spot zombie with badge and approach.
23. Scratch head as zombie refuses to open mouth and points vaguely in a northwesterly direction.
24. Head for billing.
25. Pick line where guy in front of you has billed 10,000 bucks...
26. ....and is paying for it in coupons...
27. .....in denominations of 10s and 20s...
28. ....and he's reached 6000 and lost count and has started over....
29. .....for the 5th time.
30. Oh Shoot! Where's your baby?
31. Panic.
32. Tear around the store like your neighbour's Rottweiler is on your tail.
33. Pray you've lost your spouse as well.
34. Crash into shopping carts and body parts.
35. Find wailing baby in "50% off on Cereals!" section...
36. ....barcoded and price tagged.
37. Grab baby and head back to billing...
39. .....that now has 1629 people in front of you.
If you're a man, you get off here. Congratulations!! Your Sunday is now well and truly ruined. But what the hell...pop a beer can and tune into ESPN. WWF will seem like a picnic compared to what you've been through.
If you're a woman, read on. There's a lot of evening left to be ruined yet, so bring it on, baby!
40. Slam things around in your kitchen.
41. Yell at your maid.
42. Threaten your baby.
43. Burn the dinner.
44. If your spouse asks you what's wrong, say "nothing" and make it sound like a swear word.
Congratulations!!! NOW, your Sunday and your spouse's Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are ruined!
And he hasn't even seen your shopping bill yet!
1. Sneak up to your comatose spouse and announce in your best "bright idea" voice..."LET'S GO SHHOPPPIIINNNGGG!!!!"
2. Pick a mall that you're sure the world and its mother will be at.
3. Wailing ambulance behind you.
4. Slow down and pull over to let it pass.
5. Wonder why he's chasing you and not passing you.
6. Check rearview mirror. No ambulance. Your sleeping angel has woken up in the backseat.
7. Yell at spouse.
8. Get yelled back at.
9. Drive into mall parking lot and join 2658 cars in front of you.
10. Pick a store in the mall that's offering 50% off on everything from pin to plane to lost babies whose parents forgot to pick them up after last week's shopping.
11. Pick your weapon of mass destruction - your shopping cart.
12. Go berserk filling it. Look for sales people to assist you.
13. Excitedly share with spouse your discovery of anti-male/female pattern balding lotion.
14. ....while spouse quietly hemorrhages visualizing hair growing everywhere except on your head.
15. Lean over and breathe into spouse's ear: "It's okay, honey. I'll still love you when you look like a bear."
16. Notice you can't tell difference between mannequins and sales people.
17. Sneak up to a figure and cough suddenly; figure doesn't flinch. Phew! Mannequin.
18. Sidle up to another mannequin and pinch it. Shoot! Mannequin jumps and yelps - NOT mannequin.
19. Apologise and ask where the cereal section is.
20. Apologise again - NOT mannequin, NOT sales person.
21. Resume hunt for sales person.
22. Spot zombie with badge and approach.
23. Scratch head as zombie refuses to open mouth and points vaguely in a northwesterly direction.
24. Head for billing.
25. Pick line where guy in front of you has billed 10,000 bucks...
26. ....and is paying for it in coupons...
27. .....in denominations of 10s and 20s...
28. ....and he's reached 6000 and lost count and has started over....
29. .....for the 5th time.
30. Oh Shoot! Where's your baby?
31. Panic.
32. Tear around the store like your neighbour's Rottweiler is on your tail.
33. Pray you've lost your spouse as well.
34. Crash into shopping carts and body parts.
35. Find wailing baby in "50% off on Cereals!" section...
36. ....barcoded and price tagged.
37. Grab baby and head back to billing...
39. .....that now has 1629 people in front of you.
If you're a man, you get off here. Congratulations!! Your Sunday is now well and truly ruined. But what the hell...pop a beer can and tune into ESPN. WWF will seem like a picnic compared to what you've been through.
If you're a woman, read on. There's a lot of evening left to be ruined yet, so bring it on, baby!
40. Slam things around in your kitchen.
41. Yell at your maid.
42. Threaten your baby.
43. Burn the dinner.
44. If your spouse asks you what's wrong, say "nothing" and make it sound like a swear word.
Congratulations!!! NOW, your Sunday and your spouse's Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday are ruined!
And he hasn't even seen your shopping bill yet!
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Forget the Bill, let's hear it for the dancers!
The idea of reservation itself is a backhanded compliment - it invokes pity, fractures self-respect, excuses and even celebrates mediocrity. It's as good as saying: "You have the brains of a cabbage, so here let me help you with a handicap." Reservation promotes divisive splinter groups that suddenly find legal sanction to placard and picket hysterically at the slightest hint of perceived injury to their new-found rights - exactly contrary to what it purports to do: promote inclusiveness.
Beyond all this, as a policy reservation has failed miserably - whether on class, caste, or religious lines. Till date there has not been a single well-researched data-proven study to show that reservation has benefited those it championed to benefit. There is ample evidence to the contrary - the policy of reservation has been abused by those who are in a position to manipulate the system (integrity is a burden in Indian politics). In the bargain, we've shortchanged the deserving and given merit a long unpaid vacation.
So why would reservation based on gender be any different? We have a penchant to scale failed policies, so we can fail even more spectacularly. The argument that we need more women in politics to address "women's issues" is ludicrous. Society's problems are gender neutral. Women and men are part of the same society. There are no "women's issues" and "men's issues" - they're simply issues because they affect everybody. Dowry deaths and exploitation and domestic abuse are society's problems, not women's. So are malnutrition, unemployment, and crime. We need academically qualified, ethically upright, and legally literate elected representatives - men and/or women - to address society's problems. It's counterproductive to label and compartmentalize society's ills because it sanctions some sections to throw up their hands and completely disengage from "your problem, not mine."
It could also set a dangerous precedent: Why stop with women's issues? Why not, say, beggars' rights? Or the rights of stand-up comics? Or jay walkers? Or dwarfs? Or door-to-door sales people? Are we going to allow each group to send a representative to the State Assembly or the Parliament? What has prevented the existing women parliamentarians
(who're shrilly out of control on national television at regular intervals) from framing sensible and sensitive policies for Indian citizens? If they couldn't or didn't all these years, what is going to change with this Bill?
The Bill is historic in one sense at least - though it's only got one foot in the door since the Lower House is yet to pass the Bill, it got the right (Ms. Swaraj and Co.) and the left (Ms. Karat and Co.) to hold hands and dance. Wow!...or whatever...
Beyond all this, as a policy reservation has failed miserably - whether on class, caste, or religious lines. Till date there has not been a single well-researched data-proven study to show that reservation has benefited those it championed to benefit. There is ample evidence to the contrary - the policy of reservation has been abused by those who are in a position to manipulate the system (integrity is a burden in Indian politics). In the bargain, we've shortchanged the deserving and given merit a long unpaid vacation.
So why would reservation based on gender be any different? We have a penchant to scale failed policies, so we can fail even more spectacularly. The argument that we need more women in politics to address "women's issues" is ludicrous. Society's problems are gender neutral. Women and men are part of the same society. There are no "women's issues" and "men's issues" - they're simply issues because they affect everybody. Dowry deaths and exploitation and domestic abuse are society's problems, not women's. So are malnutrition, unemployment, and crime. We need academically qualified, ethically upright, and legally literate elected representatives - men and/or women - to address society's problems. It's counterproductive to label and compartmentalize society's ills because it sanctions some sections to throw up their hands and completely disengage from "your problem, not mine."
It could also set a dangerous precedent: Why stop with women's issues? Why not, say, beggars' rights? Or the rights of stand-up comics? Or jay walkers? Or dwarfs? Or door-to-door sales people? Are we going to allow each group to send a representative to the State Assembly or the Parliament? What has prevented the existing women parliamentarians
(who're shrilly out of control on national television at regular intervals) from framing sensible and sensitive policies for Indian citizens? If they couldn't or didn't all these years, what is going to change with this Bill?
The Bill is historic in one sense at least - though it's only got one foot in the door since the Lower House is yet to pass the Bill, it got the right (Ms. Swaraj and Co.) and the left (Ms. Karat and Co.) to hold hands and dance. Wow!...or whatever...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)