You've all participated/will participate/are participating in the Employee Satisfaction Survey. This one's its counterpart - The Employer Satisfaction Survey. Afterall, unless we're satisfied, you can't be.
Dollops has agreed to join hands with us to conduct this exercise. Dollops, as you all know, is a 150-year-old icecream manufacturing company located in Alaska (that's the state Russia sold to America a century before any of you were born. Trust the wily Russians to get rid of a lot of ice and make a profit in the bargain....anyway, that's a different story). Dollops is located in Alaska because they don't need to buy freezers there - and they get Eskimo labour. The Eskimos still believe that the world runs on barter system.
Please take the time to complete this. Please be honest. Be critical. Everything is confidential (everybody will read everything, but no one will say anything, okay?) We're not vindictive (but we reserve the right to raise your projection to 1650 and if you don't hit that number, we reserve the right to give you a golden handshake and tell you to 'ged the hell outtta here' because, hey, c'mon, deep down we're still a Yankee joint and remember Texas is running the show now.
Every question has at least four options. No right or wrong answers. Pick the one that reflects your sentiments best.
1. Do you like HS?
A. Of course ! It's the only place to be.
B. Of course ! HS rocks.
C. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
D. So all together, let's hear it once more, "I LOVE HS"
2. Do you like the food?
A. Sure! It's top class.
B. Sure! It's 5-star.
C. Sure! It's top class and 5-star.
D. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
3. Do you like the chairs?
A. Yes ! It makes me feel like a King sitting on his throne.
B. Yes. When I'm bored, I can spin around and go "owheeeee..."
C. I like blue chairs the best.
D. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
4. Do you like your payslip?
A. Yes. I became a millionaire after coming here.
B. Yes. I love to be in the BPL category - it's not everyday that you get to be associated with a famous abbreviation.
C. NO. I'd like a 25 paisa raise.
D. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
5. How often do you think you need a payhike?
A. Never.
B. Everytime Haley's comet whizzes past us.
C. This is a joke - HA HA- you may laugh.
D. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
6. What about quality? Do you think we're doing enough to ensure no one is getting sued 10,000 miles away?
A. Of course ! We're afterall an ISI Agent...sorry, ISO Company.
B. 98% of us believe that 80% of the time 95% of our reports are 100% accurate.
C. You may juggle the above numbers as you please.
D. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
7. What about quantity?
A. Yeah! What about it?
B. We sweep the board - gold, silver, and bronze.
C. Yes.
D. Very much.
E. Thank you.
You're done. Thank you for your time. We've covered everything we can think of here. If there's something we didn't think of, it's not worth thinking about, so you don't think about it either. But we're really an open-door, big-happy-family, all-are-welcome company, so in keeping with our democratic tradition, you may send us hate mail at out-of-office@goodbye.com
The last time Dollops was here, everyone cribbed about the selection process for everything - projects, promotions, rewards, punishments, who gets to be outriders for the Terry Fox run - EVERYTHING. We're happy to announce Dollops has found a solution, one that's startling in its simplicity. We're hanging this sign from an Irish pub on our front door: "This is our back door. Our front door is at the back." With this, all back door entries are now official. Yes. Very much. Thank you.
