In a move that has created a controversy of epic proportions,
the Indian government today changed the national animal from tiger to buffalo
through a backdoor ordinance that was not sent to the houses for a vote. Dubbed
the “Buffalo Soldier” law, the ordinance takes immediate effect. Utter chaos
prevailed on the streets of every major city and town as the bewildered new
national animals were paraded by their owners in celebratory processions.
Stampedes were reported from at least 13 places in which 10 buffaloes and twice
the number of people have lost their lives. The topic is trending on Twitter.
It all began when 7 buffaloes belonging to a minister staged
a walkout from the minister’s well guarded farm. They were protesting
the maltreatment of human beings in the minister’s hometown. The buffaloes
belong to a group called AETP (Animals for the Ethical Treatment of People). The
animals were traced and brought back after a massive manhunt by PETA (People
for the Ethical Treatment of Animals). The grateful minister has sworn to ban AETP
as a “rogue outlaw oufit.” It is reliably learnt that the AETP responded to the
news by releasing unprecedented amounts of methane into the atmosphere. In the
national capital, the Chief Minister’s brooms are finally being put to use.
When asked whether the AETP could not be enlisted to help trace dozens of
missing children in his hometown, the minister dead-panned, “What children?”
Meanwhile, a relatively unknown tiger group called ISH (I’m Still
Here) has petitioned the President against the “grave injustice and racial discrimination”
and has threatened to take to the streets to have the ordinance reversed. Tiger
activists are reportedly excited and hope to finally stop fudging their figures
as the opportunity presents itself for a transparent census. When asked to
comment, the Prime Minister was typically sagacious, “In a democracy, all
voices must be heard,” he intoned. “Be thankful we haven’t gone to the dogs,”
he added demurely.
