"Where's the patient, Ma'am?"

PART I - ADMISSION
"Where's the patient, Ma'am?" the girl behind the desk asked me politely.
"I'm the patient, Ma'am," I smiled.
"Oh...are you alone?" she asked looking around.
"Not if you count the other 10,542 patients you're housing right now in your hospital," I said smiling.
"But why have you come alone? Why didn't you bring someone with you?"
"Because I'm the only one I know who needs hospitalization at this point in time."
"Oh..." she said again uncertainly, "so you're admitting yourself?"
"Surprise, surprise..." I said cheerfully giving her my best grin.
"Are you ill?" She looked worried, like I could be dangerously ill and she wouldn't know.
"No," I said, "just blind...in this eye" I pointed to my right eye.
"Oh!" her hand flew to her mouth and her eyes widened in terror - like I had told her SHE was blind. "Why didn't you tell me, Ma'am?" she asked.
"I told you just now."
"Why didn't you tell me before?"
"Because you didn't ask me before."
"Madam," she said somewhat irritated at the witless exchange "I don't go around asking people 'Are you the patient and are you blind?' "
"Madam," I said "I don't go around telling people "I'm Aparna and I'm blind."

PART II - INPATIENT
"Where's the patient, Ma'am?" asked the nurse politely as she wheeled in the IV.
I pointed to myself, smiled and waved.
"Oh! Why are you walking around? Can you lie down? Why have you not changed into the hospital gown? Where is your attender?"
"Which question should I answer first?" I asked her.
"Madam, please change your clothes and lie down, I have to start the IV. Please tell your attender to come in. Doctor will come in now and he will want to speak with your attender."
"I'm the attender," I said.
She looked at me like I'd said I'm Mickey Mouse. "You said just now you're the patient," she said accusingly.
"I'm the patient and the attender," I said "Are we good now?"
"Who is with you?" she asked me and she was unnecessarily loud.
"You" I said very softly.
She gave me the I-want-to-hit-you-now look. "Where is your husband?" she demanded and I thanked my stars I didn't have one.
"I don't have one," I said.
"You're not married?" she asked incredulously "But your chart says you're 41!"
"How time flies," I said cheerfully.

PART III - MRI
"Sit in the wheelchair Ma'am, we're taking you to MRI," the bored wheelchair pusher yawned.
"I can walk, I don't need a wheelchair," I said and began walking.
"Sit in the wheelchair!!!" he said firmly, "you can't walk into the MRI room."
"Why not?" I asked perplexed.
He fixed me with a steely glare "Because you might not be able to walk back, you might be unsteady when you come out of the MRI machine."
"In that case, why don't YOU sit in the wheelchair and I'll push. We can swap on the return ride," I said smiling.
"Sister!!" he called "patient is refusing to sit in the wheelchair, sister," he whined.
"Patient is refusing to sit in the wheelchair sister," I mimicked in a soft sing-song under my breath and sat.
"Why would I be unsteady? We're not going on the Ferris wheel, are we? I know what an MRI is, okay?" I grumbled as he wheeled me whistling softly.

PART IV - POST-DISCHARGE
"Where's the patient, Ma'am?"
"I'm the patient, Ma'am" I was at the hospital pharmacy buying supplies for my infusion.
"Oh...so this IV is for you?"
"Bingo!"
"Do you know the infusion will take 4 hours? Why have you come alone?"
"Yes, I know the infusion will take 4 hours and that's exactly why I've come alone."
She looked a little miffed "We encourage patients to bring somebody with them; if something happens, we won't be responsible."
"Believe me, if something happens, you will be responsible and I will sue you," I said smiling.

MORAL OF STORY: Always wear a T-shirt that says "I'm the patient"....when you're going on the Ferris wheel.