Champagne anyone?

A workaholic, unabashedly right-wing and dubbed "nakedly ambitious" by the media, with an intriguing mix of Hungarian-Greek-Jewish blood. Five years ago, Nicolas Sarkozy would've got nothing more than a sniff and a raised French eyebrow. Even 2 years ago, when France voted an emphatic 'non' to the EU constitution, it's unlikely France would've been kind to Nicolas Sarkozy. Not today. In the frenzied debates over the now-on-holiday President elect's next move, what has perhaps excited the EU most about Sarkozy's election is the French electorate itself. It's a remarkable transformation - for a people who are used to demanding cake from the government when they can't earn their own bread. Almost alarmingly leftist with their comically funny 35-hour-week, France's stagnant economy has dulled EU's promising challenge to a growing U.S. and Indo-China economies.

In a world of muted tones, chic tastes, self-deprecating modesty, and fierce national sentiment, Nicolas Sarkozy's amazing run to top slot in a referendum that saw historic voter turnout has raised more than just France's eyebrows. Sarkozy typically doesn't possess any of these above qualities except of course French pride. Clearly France is ready for change and the French think Sarkozy is the man to turn it around for them. In his campaign, Sarkozy has unhesitatingly admitted that he intends to crack the whip where it needs cracking. He wants to send France to work. He wants the French to shape up or ship out. That couldn't have gone down too well with France's notorious labour unions. For a country that proudly wears its "socialist" tag on its sleeve while struggling with double-digit unemployment rates, is in a perpetual love-hate battle with its immigrants and frowns on raw ambition, Sarkozy's win reflects perhaps not just the yearning for a change but also France's turmoil as it tries to find its place in a world that's not so familiar anymore. Sarkozy's challenges will be very difficult to navigate and very closely watched by the EU.

Listening to Sarkozy's acceptance speech, you would think the whole world voted for his presidency. In an inspiring speech where he promised to be the President of "all the French" Sarkozy urged his countrymen to help him build an economy with greater free trade and cooperation with France's friends and neighbours that would help cement France's importance in the EU. Along with Germany and Britain, France is the most powerful member of the EU both economically and politically. Sarkozy has been largely inward-looking throughout his campaign. He has enough problems at home to worry too much about foreign policy but in his acceptance speech, he reached out tentatively to the outside world. Even then, his message was typically French: You can be my friend, but don't tell me what to do. Knowing what we do about Sarkozy, it's unlikely that his Jewish ancestry will in any way affect France's foreign policy toward the Middle-East - traditionally, France has treated all conflict everywhere with the same hands-off, bored diplomacy: We want peace and we want everyone to be happy. But that's not enough or even possible anymore even if most European countries now feel cushioned inside the Union and reluctant to follow any sort of aggressive foreign policy. Increasingly, every nation has been drawn into events like the Iraq war and climate change that have forced countries to have more than just an opinion about an issue.

Sarkozy, largely believed within France to be America's friend, was quick to emphasize in his speech that friends can and should have the right to differ in thought. Never a supporter of the Iraq war, Sarkozy called on America to take the lead in reversing global warming trends. His message was unmistakable - that the U.S. can no longer act exclusively in matters that concern itself and the rest of the world. Sarkozy was a lot more graceful in vitory to Segolene Royal than she was to him in defeat, but that's always been easier - the victor's grace.

Many leadership changes across the globe over the years have been termed 'exciting' but never has it been more true than with Nicolas Sarkozy's victory, making him France's first President born after World War II. For France, the EU, and indeed for the rest of the world, the Sarkozy presidency will be an exciting show to watch.

ABHOSTTBBLO continues...

Cell phones - mobile devices with which you can take pictures, listen to music, record events, send messages, play games, check your email, calculate sums, and watch a cricket match (if you're still interested). You can also make calls.

China - an Asian country that's so big, it's everybody's neighbour and nobody's friend. Having gotten a foot in the door of the world's economy, the Chinese are now in the active process of breaking down the door. From closet capitalists to closet socialists to plain in your closet, 'Made in China' is now a somebody-stop-me label on a 'the world is not enough' tour.

Cuba - a Caribbean Jerry that is a perpetual thorn in Uncle Tom's flesh. America's 4-decade embargo on Cuba makes U.S. trade with the island illegal. It's illegal for U.S. citizens to vist the island and for U.S. individuals or companies to do business there. In short, it's illegal for America or Americans to do anything with or in Cuba except run Guantanomo Bay. America's stated objective for the embargo is to bring (surprise, surprise) democracy to Cuba which (surprise, surprise, surprise) it has failed to do. Recently, large oil reserves have been found in North Cuba, now Tom suddenly wants to be Jerry's friend.

Venezuela - Cuba's new-found oil-rich friend that supplies around 80,000 barrels of oil a day to Cuba which has helped make the embargo look like a long-running boring Hollywood flick that no one is watching. Venezuela has given the world many beauty queens and is a country where people keep chasing one another around the office block to become head of state. Venezuela's President Hugo Chavez has grabbed countless hours of air time calling President Bush colourful names including "the devil" in a speech at the UN General Assembly which was met with "wild applause" in the Assembly and severe condemnation in the U.S.

Rediffmail - an email service whose users belong to a large, happy, close-knit spamily where everyone is on first (and only) name basis. Rediffmail users can live their entire life within its inbox where they can shop, get a degree, go abroad, buy tickets, buy books, sell auto parts and body parts, buy movies, music, houses, insurance, hire, get hired, make friends, become a star, get married - all at bargain rates in limited offers.

A Brief History of Some Things that Bill Bryson left out

Volume 1 in an unknown-number series of a dictionary cum atlas cum encyclopedia

Summer - Long ago, summer was one of 4 seasons - the other 3 being winter, monsoon, and spring. Over the years, they all merged and became one season called Famine. But people the world over, didn't want a season called Famine - which is a combination of 'fashion' and 'feminine.' A few wars later, Afghansistan which was the only country that wanted the season to be called 'Famine,' gave up its demand after incessant bombings caused the country's first floods that had a free run in the territory simply because there was nothing and no one left standing to stop it and it was agreed unanimously to call this season Summer. There are varying degrees of Summer:
Mild Summer
Please-wring-my-blouse-again Summer
Have-you-caught-fire-yet? Summer and
Do-not-disturb, I'm-in-coma Summer

Bangalore - Not too long ago, Bangalore was India's prettiest city with an abundance of lakes, fountains, gardens, and a lovely climate. It changed all too quickly. Now, despite signboards at entry points being repainted "NOT Welcome to Bangalore" people continue to pour into this little city making it the world's largest open public toilet where everyone is driving around trying to park their cars, where there are more globs of spit than there are people, and where walking its streets is recommended only for contact sports fans.

Singapore - a squeaky clean city-state where long jump is banned in schools - the kids might fall into the sea or into Malaysia which just might be the third World War trigger. Singapore is apparently the most "business-friendly economy" in the world - it should be - Singapore's national passtime/national sport is shopping.

Japan - a work in progress quite literally with a population of extremely hard working people who never leave their assembly lines even when the earth shakes them up which it does every 5 minutes; they just smile, bow, and slow down. Tokyo, the capital of Japan, is the world's costliest city and built to survive any sort of earthquake - there's no place for people or buildings to fall.

Iran - a spunky little country where the star-spangled banner is the chief combustible material. It also produces oil and can toss a bomb quite far. When Iran recently released 15 British Navy personnel from custody for reasons unknown (of custody, not release), oil prices nose-dived indicating its power and clout in the world economy.

Iraq - Iran's neighbour and friend turned foe turned friend turned foe turned...also mighty spunky. The only country in the world where there are more human bombs than human beings which has left everyone (except America) wondering what OTHER weapons of mass destruction George Bush is looking for. Some people believe he's searching for Dick Cheney.

United States of America - the friendly neighbourhood rogue elephant that won't get out of your backyard, the USA's chief hobby is to create, protect, and destroy its own creations. A largely bored, ADHD-suffering population with a collective attention span of 2 seconds, America loves democracy but can't spell it, wants all the world's oil but won't pay for it, and is burning up the ozone faster than it's burning up Iraq but--like with Iraq--refuses to fix it. America also makes people rich and forgives them for some time for being rich because of it. The original master of hype, America is the only country in the world with its own tagline: "Coming soon to a theater near you!"

I Have a Dream

It was one of those days that hurtle from one Oh-my-God-disaster to the next and makes you want to crawl back into bed and sit out the sunset. On my 287th oh-my-God, a voice boomed: "Yes? You called?"
I spun around. "I'm God. What's your problem?" the voice asked.
"You," I said unhesitatingly as I crouched and looked under my cot, "you're the problem."
"Get up...what did I do?" the voice asked.
"What did You do!?! The world is upside down in case You haven't noticed. Don't You see the mess? What DIDN'T You do!" I checked under the chair, behind the doors, under the bed cover...
"That's MY problem. What's YOUR problem?"
"Everything. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know what I want but it's definitely not this. I don't like this day. Nothing ever seems to go right. I feel homicidal."
"Okay. If I let you kill one person and get away with it, who would you want to kill that will help your days get better?"
I was shocked! "Only one!?!?" I said disbelieving.
"You're quite ambitious aren't you for someone who doesn't know what's going on?"
"If you're really God, I have some questions for you."
"Shoot."
"Do You answer everyone who says "Oh God!"? Why didn't You show up all these days? Did You really create George Bush? Why don't You stop people killing each other in Your name? Why do floods happen? And earthquakes, and tornadoes, and epidemics? Why do children die? Why was I born? What is the...."
"Whoa..whoa...will you stop already!" the voice boomed, "so this is all MY fault now?"
"Well, You should at least own moral responsibility and resign!"
"And then what? You'll take my place?"
"Hmmm...now, there's an original thought! I'm sure I'll do much better than Your current rep on earth, George Bush."
"Just for the record...someone--I don't know who--created George Bush when I logged out for a bathroom break."
"Just what I needed--a God who's a joker."
"What's wrong with that?"
"Nothing really, but I hope you don't think this is funny?"
"Well, isn't it? By "this," I'm assuming you either mean the state of the world or George Bush...both are living proof that I have a sense of humour."
"We don't like your jokes, and by "we" I mean the rest of the world."
"Go to hell."
"My God! You're GOD!! How can You talk like that? Besides, I'm already there."
"You're very ungrateful..."
"Oh, c'mon," I waved my hand dimissively, "don't tell me you're going to lecture me about all the beauty you've created that we're destroying...about your rainbows, your forests, the Artic, and the butterfly...it's hard enough to read it in my mailbox every day...there's even a mail where you talk to your "son" (like you're talking to me now)," I giggled, "you tell your son 'always remember I love you, and I'm always there for you,' or words to that effect." I giggled some more.
"And you find THAT funny?"
"Who's that guy who said 'If you talk to God, you're praying. If God talks to you, you're schizophrenic'?"
"A schizophrenic."
"I can't believe I'm having this conversation! How do I know You're God at all? You're probably some nutcase who's hiding very well somewhere and being a smart ass."
"Same thing."
"Ok, I'm not going to engage in this witless banter with a voice. Just give me a readymade solution that I can implement right here, right now."
"Chuck your job and get a life. Travel, meet people, write poetry, learn to sing, play the piano, paint...in short, take that mail seriously."
"Somebody, help!" I screamed, "Dunk me in cold water! This can't be real!"
Immediately, an avalanche of ice cold water hit me and knocked the wind out of me. I shot up in bed, drenched and speechless.
My 5- and 3-year-old nephews stood there holding an empty dipper and their sides, laughing like only kids can.

Seriously....!

Have you ever been attacked by hysteria at the most inopportune moment and dissolved into helpless peals of hideous laughter that made everyone who crossed your path stumble backwards with raised eyebrows, dropped jaws, and soundless screams? It happened to me just the other day.

I was in an auto on my way to work at 2 p.m. - a situation in which sane people would be at their waspish best which is how I am most of the time. I must confess I'm not given to easy laughter for many reasons: 1. My teeth don't exaclty qualify for a toothpaste ad. 2. My nephew told me the first time that he heard and saw me laugh, that I sounded and looked like a "hyena" - it's not very original but if you hear it from a 2-year-old close to tears, you have to believe it. 3. Life IS funny anyway. Why laugh and compound your misery? 4. Imagine a startled cat wheezing laboriously while being spun around in a washing machine and you'll know what I sound like when I laugh. 5. Imagine 220 volts of electricity and gallons of water supplied to your face and you'll know what I look like when I laugh.

NOW, imagine an otherwise dull and lifeless dish rag suddenly infused with lively pulsating energy that is largely uncontrolled, with no immediate discernible provocation. Some long-forgotten memory popped into my sun-touched head and what started as a quiet chuckle, proceeded to a prolonged giggle, then grew into a throaty laugh (see point #4 above for definition of "throaty"), and then seemingly got away from my hands..or is it my mouth?...or is it my belly? Where DO laughs originate anyway? (Don't answer)

As the rickety auto bounced along, I sat in the back seat struggling to get a hold of my contorted facial features. The auto driver at first was just annoyed, then distracted, then seriously worried, and finally downright terrified. "Should I stop?" he asked turning back, sending me into fresh bouts of hysteria. He turned around and continued to drive. For as long as I live, I will never forget the look on his face.

He picked up speed so that the unsuspecting passerby who just happened to glance into the speeding auto saw a rigidly upright terrified driver with a hysterically gasping passenger flailing wildly in the back seat. Every time I saw a face like that on the road with the deer-caught-in-headlights look, I got hysterical afresh. Finally, I forgot the original source of my hysteria and began pointing, slapping my thigh, and throwing back my head and roaring at anyone who dared to look into the auto.

The auto continued to hurtle along and in my state, I failed to notice that the driver had sped past my office, till he'd gotten away a good distance. When that realization dawned, my hysteria disappeared instantly and I barked at the auto driver to stop. He turned around and saw my bared fangs and heard my rumbling growl and promptly fainted. I left the money on his head, got out, and cussed loudly as I trekked to my office in the baking sun.

I'm sure it was just some sort of allergy because as I entered the office, I saw someone talking and laughing on the phone. I marched up to him and wordlessly socked his jaw. Then, I turned around and went home and slept. When I woke up at 10 p.m., mercifully, I was completely cured.

What so thrilling?

We’ve existed as a Republic for almost 6 decades now and still our farmers who feed us are taking their own lives because they can’t eat. We celebrate Republic Day without a trace of irony. We show our might, we march, we salute our flag, we sing our national anthem loudly, we swell with pride about being Indian and heap scorn on those unwilling to participate in this hypocrisy – who are we trying to impress? Why can’t we take a long hard look at ourselves and admit that we’ve completely lost our way? That our priorities are so mixed up that we put celebrity weddings on front radars and our dying farmers on the backburner? That our elected representatives have made fools of us for 6 decades now? That “India shines” only for a miniscule percentage of her children while a vast majority eat out of her rubbish bins to satisfy their hunger? That our shameful judiciary lets people like Lalu Yadav, Sanjay Dutt, and Navjot Singh Siddhu walk and makes heroes of them? Should we be proud? That our children are not safe anywhere anymore? That we have accomplished record levels of intolerance in this once model pluralistic society? That our freedom fighters and ex-sportsmen beg on our streets to eat? That we’ve mortgaged our oldest political party to a foreigner whose only qualification is that she has none? What’s so thrilling about the rape of our cities in the name of progress? About our moral decadence in the name of global citizenship? About our creative bankruptcy and our recycled greatness in shiny new packages? About our nonexistent voice in influential international trade and political bodies? How responsibly have we behaved with our neighbours? How many can we count as our friends? Isn’t it a shame that we haven’t mended fences with a single one of our immediate neighbours in our 6 decades of existence? That we cannot educate or employ millions of our children? That we deny them their very basic right to dignity? That we simply let our old, our poor, and our sick die while we worship our cattle, hold up torches for our stray dogs, and violently defend our Gods?

What’s so thrilling about being an almost 60-year old Republic?

The Salesman

Goodafternoonmadam, myselfxxfromyyproducts thisisapromotion justoneminuteopenthedoormadam" - the apparition rapped outside my door.

"Huh?" I blinked as the afternoon sun blinded me and I tried to find my bearings. The doorbell had shattered my siesta and I'd sprung out of bed and landed at the front door, unaware that I'd moved. I tried to focus.

"Justoneminuteopenthedoormadam" he danced to an imaginary beat. I looked at him incredulously. He had a grinning mask on, which he had now pushed up on his forehead to give me the real all 32 whites. There were two macabre grins on his face. On his head, he wore something that looked like rabbit ears and flapped violently when he spoke. He was dressed in colours to help you spot him from outer space, and he had a yo-yo in one hand that squealed, a puppet that quacked in the other, and a huge bag on his shoulder that undoubtedly contained other such noisy nightmares that pass for toys today.

"What do you want?" I asked unable to keep the edge out of my voice. Try keeping your cool when you discover you've been woken up by a dancing monster rabbit from hell at 3 in the afternoon.

"Justoneminuteopenthedoormadaaam," he said again.
"What language are you talking?" I asked genuinely surprised. For a ludicrous moment, I wondered if he'd really landed from Mars.
"Harharharhar" it laughed and I reeled backwards. Surely, this was just a bad dream.

"Just one minute open the door madam," he said slowly with an ear-to-ear grin like he was addressing a 2-year-old retard. "I have wonderful imported toys, cheap madam, great fun for whole family, not just for childrens, nicetimepassopenthedoormadam."
"I don't want any toys!" I said unable to believe I was having a conversation with a Martian. "Don't buy madam, just see," he said, grin in place, and began to set his bag down.
"No!" I screamed in a panic. "I don't want to see any toys! Why would I want to see toys?"
"Buy for your children madam, see madam this talking parrot here; you put the battery here, wind it here and see madam, see, see....it's imported madam" he danced and grinned.

I twisted my neck from a range of 20 to 360-degree angles to see from which direction it would look like a parrot and finally gave up. The contraption was talking in an unknown tongue at an ear-splitting decibel. I covered my ears instinctively and nodded my head violently to indicate to him that he should leave and take his foreign monster with him. He put away the parrot and took out a kangaroo.
"How about this madam? Jumps very nicely, just do like this, like this, like this, like this, like this, like this...er...uh...it's not working, Iwillshowyouothertoys oneminuteifyouopenthedoormadam" the grin never faded.
"There are no children in this house and I don't really play with toys, so please leave, and close the gate behind you," I said and turned to walk in.
"Just you open the door and see what other things I have madam. I have books also, just see, you don't have to buy" Didn't his face tire grinning like that?
"I really don't have the time and I must ask you to leave," I said trying hard not to abuse him.

"What about mobile phones madam? Do you want a mobile?" Grin, grin.
"NO!" I said, exasperated.
"Life insurance?" Grin, dance.
"LIFE insur..uh?" I couldn't make the switch.
"What about flats?" Grin, grin, dance dance.
"Do you have that in your bag as well?" my eyes were wide with astonishment.
"Or an electric oven? Or do you want car covers? Do you have a garden? (he was standing in my 2-foot space) Do you want an apple tree sapling? Money-back guarantee is there...mattresses? Sofa backs? Nightdress? Grin, grin, grin, dance, dance, dance.

I honestly couldn't understand what I was feeling at that point. I was being verbally assaulted by a wiry schizophrenic with two grins who was carrying the world and a zoo in his bag and wouldn't get out of my compound. I'd never felt more alone in my life.

I looked around wildly.

"Okay give me a glass of water then" he said suddenly and stepped closer to the door. I was sure I could detect a manic glint in his eye and I shuddered.
"If you don't give me a glass of water, you'll be born a lizard in your next birth. Do you want me to read your palm? I can predict the future. Just tell me the time you were born and I will tell you everything that is going to happen in your life. I can show you the lizard that you will look like in your next birth. It's right here in my bag," he began to dig into his humongous sack, never losing the grin.
"Can you really predict the future?" I croaked.
"Yes," he said in a steely voice and with the manic glint and of course the grin.
"Tell me how long you see yourself standing on my property then," I squeaked.
"I have Eric Clapton's and B.B. King's Riding with the King - you want? you can listen on iPod and decide if you want to buy - here, openthedoormadam and take this iPod -you can load 320 songs, listen while driving, eating, sleeping, reading, bathing, dressing, anywhere and everywhere," the energetic schizophrenic continued to rap and grin.

I felt lightheaded, nauseous, and close to hysteria.
"Givemeaglassofwatermadam, and I'll go," he danced, grinning.
"I'd rather be a lizard!" I growled, suddenly livid. "Get off my property or I'll set the dogs on you!" I screamed.
"Have a good day madam," he said, his ears flapping violently, both grins intact on his face, and turned to leave.

That's when I saw the huge tiger tail behind him.

Despicable!

No one is fooled by the “Iraqi court’s” trial, conviction, and hanging of Saddam Hussein. History will show America as probably the first nation in the civilized world to successfully carry out an unprovoked aggression against another country flouting all norms of international law and basic human decency, dethroning its head of state, and sending him to the gallows like a common criminal for so-called crimes that America not only condoned but actively encouraged a few decades ago. America’s puppets hanged Saddam Hussein at America’s behest under the cover of darkness on December 30th; they behaved like the band of thieves that they are in one of 2006’s most shameful moments; of course, "shame" is now synonymous with "Bush."

In the ‘80s, Saddam was America’s darling. They armed him to the teeth with impunity because they wanted him to contain Iran – why get your hands dirty when you can pay for a hit job? – they encouraged his aggression against the Kurds and the Shias and provided him with ammunition to carry out his so-called crimes. The Iran-Iraq war was to last 8 long years with 100s of 1000s of lives lost - sponsored by Uncle Sam. These are the “crimes” that he has now been hanged for! So much for upholding democracy and human rights! So much for the “Champions of the Free World.” In a frenzy of fast-forward action, Puppet Maliki got the necessary approvals (including his ayatollah's), fulfilled all of America's demands that the "law" be followed to the letter one of which was that the Iraqi President sign Saddam's death warrant which he reluctantly did after making it plain that he was against capital punishment (ironically, the lone dissenter against Saddam's hanging in the American coterie was a Kurd!), roused a sleeping Saddam, bundled him into a waiting Black Hawk, and flew him to his death. Hollywood couldn't have done it better.

"Stuff happens," I guess, like Donald Rumsfeld (remember him? Of Guantanamo Bay fame?) so famously said. Rumsfeld who has been photographed with Saddam during their cosy bum-chum days; yes, the same Rumsfeld who was in a God Almighty hurry to get into Iraq after Osama reduced the Towers to smouldering mounds of dust. When did this invasion become about trying Saddam for his crimes against his people? Which is entirely that country’s business. Are there no other dictator regimes in the world? What about Musharraf? Why not dethrone him and hang him as well? What about poor forgotten Burma? Where in the nation’s last election Suu Ki’s party won 82% of the popular vote – EIGHTY TWO PERCENT! And instead of heading the nation, she’s under house arrest and the country is being run by the “military junta” – where are the Champions of Democracy? Why aren’t they marching into Burma with their Saviours of the World armed forces if it’s their self-appointed God given duty to give democracy a nudge wherever it’s floundering? Because Burma is not oil-rich Iraq. What about Ethiopia and Somalia? All Children of a Lesser God.

And what about us? The Rest of the World? Are we so depraved that we will only whine and whimper when the time has come for us to stand up and say “Enough! We will not tolerate any more!” Are we so blind that we can’t see it could’ve been any of us? How can we stand by and watch one head of a nation being hanged by another? How low are we prepared to stoop? To be conquered? The world should isolate America for this heinous crime, this macabre blemish on humanity that they choose to call “justice” – this is not justice by any measure – it is a MURDER; an open, in-your-face, cold-blooded, undemocratic, outrageous murder. Should we not bring America to justice? Should we not make America accountable for this crime?

“No backbone” India’s reaction has been characteristic: We expressed our “disappointment” –how disgusting! That we have to couch our words in diplomacy so we don’t offend America no matter what the crime and what the cost to our national pride! How disgusting that we don’t have a courageous leader who can look George "draft-ducking" Bush in the eye and tell him he is a just a spoilt brat and throw the book at him for first-degree murder. How disgusting that this so cleverly timed hanging that is neither in Kofi Annan’s time nor in Ban Ki-Moon’s, has proved yet again that the UN is a completely useless body with no control or authority over its biggest rogue member.

So Mission Accomplished? Is this what America went to Iraq for? Was it ever about Osama or WMDs? Both of which have not been accounted for till date. Is George Bush a happier man today? Does he sleep easier at night? Is Iraq a safer place because Saddam is dead? Is America a safer place? What has been achieved? Close to 700,000 Iraqis have been murdered by America since 2003. These are people like you and me – with homes, families, a life. They were mothers, fathers, daughters, sons, sisters, brothers with jobs, homes, and a future. Who will pay for their deaths? Have they not died in vain? All because one stubborn madman will not admit that he was wrong. That he did something unlawful. He continues to run amok because none of us are willing to stop him.

"We have met the enemy, and they is us."

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

As the world waits in vain for George Bush to get real (and get a life), Iraq continues in a downward spiral. The Allied Forces which is an impressive term for a motley crew of Americans and their faithful sidekicks, the British, have all but thrown up their hands. Even the Iranians are backing the Iraqis now - that's what Bush has accomplished - getting the 2 nations that at one time were at each other's throats for 8 years, on the same side. It's just about the only thing he can be proud of right now. Saddam Hussein has been "smoked out", hauled to court, tried, and convicted but no WMDs have been found; commission after commission (and finally the CIA itself) has concluded that there is no evidence to suggest that Osama and Saddam are or ever were in cahoots and the purpose of the now almost 4-year-old invasion still remains murky as ever. Did they go over all the way just to dethrone Saddam? What business is it of theirs? If that's "bringing democracy" let's all get together, read Georgie his Miranda, haul him into a criminal court, and get him convicted - God knows there are enough charges to put him away for 2 lifetimes.

Osama is alive and well and I'm sure very amused by Bush's antics. He held the Superpower by it's scruff and shook it like a rag doll almost 6 years ago and it's still reeling like it just got off a high-speed rollercoaster. No one sympathized with Osama then; in fact, the Americans had the world's sympathy but they lost it pretty quickly when they turned around and simply started shooting in the dark. Now, just about anyone can say "boo" and America will jump. Which is exactly what North Korea and Iran are doing - only this "boo" is more deadly, and America has neither the strength nor the support to do anything about it - because of Iraq. Remember the boy who cried wolf? Well...

It's a terribly sad decline that need not have been. Not too long ago, America did represent the things that she laid claim to - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. She was a proud nation - rich but generous with her money, selling dreams to the rest of the world, mighty but welcoming, unopposed but democratic, and well respected. People flocked to America for the good life and she closed her eyes and opened her arms wide. Because America respected your intellect regardless of which part of the world you came from, she led the world at all negotiating tables - trade, politics, science, sport - it was the Star Spangled banner all the way. (Of course, Hollywood helped immensely with the hype and hooplah.) With the demise of the USSR, the world indulged America to the hilt. America indulged her children and became a spoilt brat.

Then, cable TV came home. Everyone could see America, warts and all, everyday in our living rooms and the sheen wore off. When trade barriers began to break down in Thomas Friedman's increasingly "Flat World" and as more nations began embracing some form of capitalism, we saw the other side of America - the selfish big bully, the rogue elephant in our backyard. But because she gave generously, we grudgingly forgave whatever she took in return.

And then George Bush ascended the throne. Bush is a marvel. It would be interesting to open his skull and peer inside - just to check, you never know. Somebody once called him "the longest serving President to have never won an election." From the start, he was a disaster. Now, he's toxic. His backdoor entry (quite literally - he abandonned the traditional walk to the podium for the presidential swearing in and sped past a barrage of eggs and a gusto rendition of "Hail to the Thief" and sheepishly took his oath) - had already assured him a place in the history books, but he wasn't about to settle for such an unimpressive footnote. Bush was determined for the world to sit up and take note and boy, oh boy, did we! His confidence is mind boggling - surely, he must inspire millions around the globe to dream big. Most of his counterparts who visit or host him, wear a bemused, perplexed look - you never know what the guy is going to do or say next. He's ill informed and quite proud of his ignorance, very often wearing it like a badge of honour. He has a history of ruining everything he touched much before his entry into politics (read Michael Moore's "Fahrenheit 911"). Almost every business venture he embarked on became a misdaventure and all of them tanked.

Riding in on papa's coatails, little Bush has indeed come far - it's a piece of good luck that he can still hardly believe. For a man who ducked the draft, his readiness to engage the enemy is amazing. Long after his "bring 'em on" rhetoric rebounded and started resounding in his ears, Bush continues to doggedly insist that he's "winning the war on terror" - What war is he talking about? Where is the enemy? Does he even know WHO the enemy is anymore? What has he accomplished in his 6 years of presidency except a vertical division of the world where everyone hates everyone else and everyone else hates America and America hates everyone else? Is that a great legacy to leave behind as the leader of a Superpower? Even that epithet now evokes giggles.

As the world looks on in "shock and awe," the President blunders on gamely. He trots from region to region in right earnest, signing deals, shaking hands, posing for photos, tripping on stairs, smiling, waving, making speeches, and generally making a huge nuisance of himself (as his hosts dead pan bravely barely holding it in) and providing gainful employment to millions of caricature artists the world over.

Never has America commanded such little respect and invited such universal wrath like it does today. In what should surely go down as America's most embarassing moment, Kofi Annan reprimanded the nation's arrogance and blatant disregard for the UN's voice in his farewell speech. Increasingly, America has taken upon itself the role of the UN. At the six-party talks to disuade North Korea from going nuclear (has anyone noticed it's a little too late?) that dissolved into disarray recently at Beijing, the US led an unlikely group: Russia, China, Japan, North Korea, South Korea, and of course Uncle Sam. It was of course a complete waste of time but you can't help marvel at America - look at that group again. Japan and China hate each other; North and South Korea hate each other; the Russians hate everybody, and everybody hates America and there they are sitting and talking! South Korea and Japan are shivering at the prospect of a nuclear weapon in the hands of Kim Jong-Il and rightfully so - Jong-Il is a mad hatter and wears his madness merrily on his sleeve, but today America has reduced both itself and the UN to a bleating sheep that no one pays attention to.

Bush, of course, is looking for one last war to go out guns blazing. His choices are Iran and North Korea. Ahmadinejad has made it very plain what he thinks of Bush. The UN approved nuclear technology sanctions against Iran 2 days ago; the sanction forbids any country from trading in civil nuclear material or technology with Iran and isolates Iran completely, but it remains to be seen if that will break Iran's backbone; highly unlikely. The Security Council also tried to bring in a travel ban against Iran which (surprise surprise) Russia didn't allow. (Russia's foreign policy has always been pretty simple: "My enemy's enemy is my friend"). Ahmadinejad's reply was characteristic: Go to hell. The next day, one of his ministers was in the media, telling everyone who cared to listen that Iran will redouble its efforts at uranium enrichment.

If America wants to be taken seriously, the Americans should first disarm themselves. Then, they should get out of Iraq and Afghanistan. Next, they should get out of the Israel-Palestine conflict; America will never be able to understand or solve West Asia's problems, at least, most certainly not with George Bush as the President; and lastly, America should gag and tie her President and keep him at home. The rest of us can take care of ourselves very well, thank you very much.

It's the economy, stupid

Fending off bullets from every quarter, the beleaguered US President looks set to push the India-US nuke deal through both Houses. The nuclear deal hasn’t gone down well with either the Indian public or the US. For starters, most of us really don’t know what the fine print reads. In our own media, we have different news channels and different newspapers telling us different things – what we think depends on who we watch and what we read – and no two sources of information agree on a single point.

India is not a signatory to the NPT and traditionally, the US has refused to do nuclear commerce with non-signatories. India becomes the first exception to the rule and will receive civilian nuclear fuel and technology despite staying out of the NPT. Amid vociferous opposition from some factions about setting a bad precedent, President Bush managed to push the nuclear bill through treating India as a special case because of its responsible nuclear record (what this means is anyone’s guess since the US imposed sanctions on civilian nuclear cooperation on India because we tested in 1974). But the US has the tough task of convincing the Nuclear Suppliers Group – a group of 45 nations – to ride along. Right now, no one is really going along with anything that America says or does. So why is America going out on a limb for the deal?

It’s stupid for us to think they love us very much. India will need a lot more energy in the coming years than we are capable of producing. America’s stake in India is high, especially since 1990 when we embraced “liberalization” – it’s another matter that we were by then pushed to the wall – we hardly opened up out of choice; we had nowhere to turn. It had been proven beyond reasonable doubt that Russia’s brand of socialism was not going to sustain us anymore.

India has gained America’s respect as an emerging economic power that can’t be ignored. To America’s credit, if they can’t beat you, they’ll join you which is exactly what they’ve done with India. Today, America’s investments in India need uninterrupted energy supply – we can’t guarantee that, so Uncle Sam is stepping in to take care of itself; we shouldn’t pretend that it’s not beneficial to us either and we shouldn’t expect the US not to look out for itself. They’re doing business and they will drive a hard bargain. This deal is not so much about politics as it is about business. In America, business drives politics and not the other way around like it used to be in India in the good old Nehruvian socialism days. This is a deal that the American business community wants and what they want, they usually get – despite everything, the dollar still shines brighter than every other currency. How much can we come away with? Can we match America’s selfishness and secure our own future? That should be the starting point of our negotiations on the 123 Agreement that the US and India are expected to sign, the clauses of which will become binding on India. It’s time to show the world - not just the US - how hard we can play.